Change Your Choices . . . Change Your Life

Dovid Lieberman, Ph.D.

“I have put before you, life and death . . . choose life so that you may live.”
(Deuteronomy 30:19)


DURING THE PASSOVER HOLIDAY, WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ACCELERATE OUR PERSONAL GROWTH WELL BEYOND WHAT WE CAN ACCOMPLISH THROUGHOUT THE YEAR. G-D LITERALLY MAKES THIS TIME OF THE YEAR THE EASIEST FOR US TO RISE ABOVE OUR NATURE, AND TO MAKE POSITIVE AND PRODUCTIVE CHOICES. ON A DEEP, SPIRITUAL LEVEL, THE COLLECTIVE EGO OF THE JEWISH PEOPLE IS TEMPORARILY DEFLATED, AND WE HAVE THE ABILITY TO JUMP FORWARD AND TO MAKE THE KIND OF CHANGES IN OUR LIVES THAT WE KNOW TO BE RIGHT AND GOOD.

THIS IS A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLORE THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DYNAMICS THAT RESTRICT OUR FREEDOM TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES. THERE IS MUCH WE CAN LEARN TO GIVE US GREATER STRENGTH TO CHOOSE – AND TO LIVE – THE BEST LIFE WE CAN. PASSOVER CELEBRATES THIS INNER FREEDOM AND CALLS TO US TO REACH FOR IT…

Technological advancements have made our lives increasingly comfortable, safe, and easy; and we have more opportunities and advantages available to us today than ever before.

Given the high level of both opportunity and comfort, one would expect people to be happier than ever, and even more satisfied with their lives. The reality, though, is startlingly different. Instead of thriving and feeling empowered as a result of greater choices, we are deteriorating.

According to the latest research, one in four Americans suffers from mental illness. The drug companies try to keep pace, with the sales of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and mood-stabilizing drugs at record levels, and tens of millions of new prescriptions being written each year.

So why are we suffering from such emotional pain and anguish? Regardless of the opportunities available to us today, a lack of self-control results in poor choices, and ultimately leads to negative emotions and destructive habits.

Let’s take a peek behind the veil of human nature to discover the psychological dynamics at play.

Body, Ego and Soul
Within human beings there are three inner forces that are regularly at odds with each other: the body, the ego (also called the yetzer hara, or evil inclination), and the soul (also known as the yetzer tov, our good inclination, or conscience.) In short, here’s how it works: the body wants to do what feels good, the ego wants to do what looks good, and the soul wants to do what is good. When the alarm clock goes off in the morning, the three forces all battle it out. If we hit the snooze button, guess who won the first round?

Doing what is easy or comfortable is a body drive. Examples of overindulgences of this force are overeating or oversleeping — in effect, doing or not doing something we know we should or should not do, merely because of how it feels. Basically, the body just wants to escape from it all.

An ego drive can run the gamut from making a joke at someone else’s expense to buying a flashy car that is beyond our means. When we are motivated by ego, we do things that we believe project the right image of ourselves. These choices are not based on what is good, but on what makes us look good.

The Key Role of Self-Esteem
If we cannot control ourselves and we succumb to body drives and ego drives - to immediate gratification and the need to keep up an image - then we feel empty inside and our self-esteem goes down . We sense that we are not making good choices and our feeling of self-worth suffers.

In a vicious cycle, our need to compensate for these feelings of guilt and inadequacy cause our ego to engage even more, and we become egocentric. As a result, our perspective narrows, and we see more of the self and less of the world; this makes us increasingly more sensitive and unstable and our need to keep up a false image continues to grow

We only gain self-esteem – the central key to psychological health – when we are able to make responsible choices, and do what is right, regardless of what we feel like doing or how it appears to others. This is a soul choice – to do what is good, not what feels good or what looks good. When our soul expresses itself, keeping the body and ego in check, we rise to a higher and healthier perspective. We gain psychological strength, our self-esteem goes up and we feel great.

Winning the Lottery
Indeed, research indicates that lottery winners often lead miserable lives after their windfall. A statistically uneven number of suicides, murders, drunk-driving arrests, divorces, even bankruptcies that befall “winners” have led to studies of a ‘lottery curse.’ People find it difficult to comprehend why such misfortune follows those who suddenly become so fortunate.

The reason is quite clear. Since low self-esteem comes especially from making bad choices, instant money or fame will give those who are unaccustomed to it a wealth of ammunition to make really, really bad choices through unconstructive behavior and indulgences that lead nowhere.

Choosing Our Reality
Now, to be clear, our mood will inevitably fluctuate as a result of our circumstances, but our feelings of self-worth, and our overall emotional wellbeing remains largely immune from conditions and experiences of all types, positive and negative.

What is most fascinating is that not only do our choices determine how we feel about ourselves and our lives, but ultimately they determine how we see our world in the first place. Each circumstance is like a blank canvas until we paint the picture with our thoughts, which then give rise to our emotions.

For instance, when a person acts rudely towards us, it doesn’t mean anything. It only tells us that the person does not like who he is, not that there is something wrong with us. This person’s words or deeds “cause” us to feel bad about ourselves because of our self-image. If we stay focused on making good choices and taking full responsibility for what we do, we will be much less interested in bad choices made by others. He was rude to me? That was his bad choice, not mine. I will make the good choice to ignore it, stay happy and move on.

We often, unconsciously, look to the situation to determine how personally we should take what is happening – how upset we should be. For example, a car cuts us off on the road, and we are curious to see what the driver looks like. Why? Because we want to see if this is someone who looks like he would do such a thing to us on purpose. A little old lady sitting in the driver’s seat would not enrage us as much as a young male smoking a cigarette with music blaring from his car’s open windows. This is because most of us would assume that the old lady simply didn’t see our car while the young male did it to us on purpose.

We assume that an event is to blame for our feelings; this is not so. The senses take in stimuli which are then given meaning by one’s thinking. Unaware of the process, a person mistakenly equates these perceptions with reality.

We must be abundantly clear on this point: the meaning we assign to a situation is based on how we feel about ourselves — and unless we feel differently about ourselves, which can only come through a change in behavior by making good choices, we will not see the world differently. Our perspective will be locked into place, determined by forces other than ourselves — unless we unlock it by making great choices.

If you embrace only one idea from this article, let it be this defining, undeniable, unchanging truth: How we feel about ourselves and our lives — our happiness and well-being — cannot, will not ever change unless we change. If we want to change our lives, we must change our choices. Otherwise we will never feel any happier, more secure, or better fulfilled then we are right now.

This column is based on Dr. Lieberman’s newest book, Real Power.
© Copyright 2008 by Dovid Lieberman.


Dovid Lieberman, Ph.D., is an award-winning author and internationally recognized leader in the field of human behavior and interpersonal relationships. Techniques based on his seven books, which have been translated into eighteen languages and include two New York Times bestsellers, are used by the FBI, The Department of the Navy, FORTUNE 500 companies, and by governments, corporations, and mental health professionals in more than twenty-five countries. He has appeared as a guest expert on more than 200 programs such as The Today Show, Fox News, CNN, The Montel Williams Show, and The View, and his work has been featured in publications around the world. Blending Torah wisdom into the psychological process, Dovid Lieberman delivers keynote addresses, lectures, and interactive workshops across a spectrum of audiences – frum- and kiruv-oriented alike. Topics include: parenting, shalom bayis, relationships, Judaism, self-esteem, singles topics, spirituality, success, teens, family, education, and counseling. His newest book Real Power: Rise Above Your Nature and Never Feel Angry, Anxious, or Insecure Again (Distributed by Feldheim Publishers) is available at your local Jewish bookstore or online at Amazon.com. Dovid also writes a bi-weekly column called Human Nature 101 for The Jewish Press and resides in Lakewood, New Jersey.